The computer randomly paired our 10 teams into 13 weeks worth of matchups, and nobody knew at the time that it would place We talkin' 'bout Practice? into a practically impossible schedule.
That's why, after five weeks of Jea Football, Practice has scored the second-most points in the league but sits in second-to-last place.
According to An's stat page, Practice's Rank average is 7.2, which is the best in the league. Essentially, that means that only three teams score better than Practice in an average week. Good, right?
But then look at his opponent rank, 7.8, also highest in the league. Combine those numbers with some bad luck, and you've got a 1-4 record.
Not only did Practice lose for the fourth time, he did so in what turned out to be the weekly Game of the Year. Let's relive the suffering, shall we?
Fartsicle 117, Practice 115
It's common practice to be slightly leery of starting your QB against your defense. After all, each touchdown scored by your QB eats away at your defense's score. So you can't blame Practice for not starting Brett Favre, especially after the guy's 17 combined points in his first three games.
But despite the game starting well past his bedtime, Favre proved he can still get double-digit fantasy points. And if Practice had started the elder statesman over his Monday night opponent, Mark Sanchez, Practice would've won.
A defensive touchdown by the Jets proves that you can have a big day for your defense and the quarterback they're facing. Each had 16 points.
But not starting Favre almost worked in Practice's favor on the last play of the game. With the Vikings trailing by 9, Favre let loose one of his trademarked Hail Mary passes into the endzone. Two Jets defenders touched it before it fell to the ground incomplete. If either had held on, that would've meant two more points for the Jets D/ST and a tie for Practice. (If Favre had started with Practice down by 2, the interception thrown and caught would've been a wash in fantasy points, of course.)
Fartsicle did just enough to win despite leaving a ton of points on the bench. His optimal lineup, which would have required four roster switches, would've given him 32 more points. He probably won't mind, though, as he got his second win in a row.
Explosion 120, Screech 96
Explosion laughs at the thought of two wins in a row. He's got three! After starting 0-2, will Explosion ever lose again? Not if he keeps scoring points at an impressive rate. He's the league's leading scorer and is averaging 122 points per game. He hasn't come anywhere close to scoring in the double-digits since his 85 in Week 1. Couple that with the fact that opponents are scoring just 94.2 points per game against him, and you've got a recipe for success!
How has Explosion scored so many points? Two words: quarterback consistency. While some teams look at the waivers each week for their next quarterback, Explosion doesn't even give the position a second glance. Look at the points through each of the first five weeks:
Philip Rivers: 21, 24, 26, 17, 26
Kyle Orton: 14, 21, 26, 21, 25
The two are first and third in total QB points so far this season. Nice. Just hope you play Explosion in their bye weeks, Weeks 9 or 10, when he'll be forced to pick up a third QB.
As for Screech, I don't want to talk about it, OK?! But I will say that when a team's leading scorer is the defense, it's not going to be pretty. Screech's first sub-100 week means that all 10 teams have now finished with double digits in at least one week.
Steeles 126, Republic 101
The difference between the Steeles' Week 4 loss and his Week 5 win isn't anything revolutionary. It's just simple math. If Chris Johnson + Matt Forte = a lot of points, Steeles win. If CJ + MF = 6 points, Steeles lose.
After a 78-point performance last week, Steeles is back in the win column thanks entirely to that tandem.
Week 4 without CJ and MF: 72 points
Week 5 without CJ and MF: 67 points
In other words, the other nine players on the Steeles performed about the same from Week 4 to Week 5, but the elite running back tandem really showed up when Steeles needed it most, combining for 59.
On the other side of the ball, Republic had his second 100-plus week but really could've used those 30 points from Brandon Lloyd or 17 points from Marcedes Lewis while both sat on the bench.
Republic is in last place, but there's some definite promise on his bench that says he could turn things around, even if his playoff odds are about 25 percent.
Ants 121, Hahne 105
This matchup finished with two teams going in the opposite direction. Ants won his second in a row, while Hahne dropped his third straight. The result is two 2-3 teams that are pretty similar on paper, actually.
If the playoffs started today, Hahne would occupy the sixth and final playoff spot, while Ants would be the best team left out. He trails Hahne in total points scored by just 15 points.
Fifteen points can be a single roster move, reminding all of us that every decision could be the difference between a playoff spot and an early end to the JFL season. The first tiebreaker for playoff spots is total points scored, so don't be afraid to "run up the score" when you can!
This was a solid week for Ants, who had four players on bye and an injured QB2. Ants had two nice pickups this week, Josh Freeman, who had a solid 15, and Sebastian Janikowski, who booted in a cool 11.
I got onto Hahne last week for starting two players on bye week. This week, each of his three bye week players was on the bench where they belong. But a disappointing performance from Peyton Manning (7) and his Chargers D/ST (minus-4) made for another loss.
Trees 132, When 78
The blowout of the week pitted Week 5's highest and lowest scorers against eachother. Not a very compelling game, so that's why I put it last. For Trees, two 0-point performances essentially left him with nine players. (By the way, Trees had been the only team without any members of Club Zero. That ends this week in a big way.) But no matter, Trees still managed 132 points, or 14.7 points each for those nine productive players.
Trees spread the love around, too, with four players finishing with 18 points or more.
And then there's When, who once again is left searching for a breakout player -- that one player who wins the week all by himself. Last week, When's leading scorer had 17 points. This week, it was 19.
Finally, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't mention that Rams defense. A trendy pick this week against the historically bad Lions, the Rams gave up 44 points and finished with a putrid minus-6, the lowest score for a single player in Jea Football League history.
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